Hot news: Naked burning shemale flew out the window

TIMBUKTU, Dec 13th - "Last night, a car bomb exploded in front of the Timbuktu embassy in Chikata Rabula neighbourhood. No survivors, just meat..."

That's how this story could start. However, as journalists we can't always be glad enough to find real selling stories. Man has to do what man has to do. When the magazine space needs filling, we will even tell you about the non-celebrity freak gossip. The following is one of them. Based on a true story. Of course, when before have journalists lied?

"It was just horrible!" said Harry Twohooter after seeing a burning naked shemale flying out the 20th floor of his hotel. "We just kept staring and staring until he was down and then we returned to the champagne table."

For Harry, it was a day like any other. He makes a living with it – with made-up stories, I mean. He is a seasoned journalist who has written for major publications around the world - Timbuktu, USA, Atlantis, Waterworld. You name it, he's got it. The years of experience have given him something that many new journalists don't have yet – insight and knowledge about HOW to write stories. What the stories mainly consist of and, most importantly, what sells and what doesn't. He came to this business in 1989 to see 'the other side' of the media. Now he is considered one of the most knowledgeable guys in this field. To prove it, he has quit writing usual news stories and taken up the new side of the business – writing fake stories. His editors don't know about it - yet!

The story I'm about to tell you about, was written years back and it made to the articles all-time TOP 10! It was entitled, "Bush Shall Not Kill Kerry," which talked about the torture of Senator Kerry just before he said he will NOT contest the results of the elections. Harry talked about this event very thouroughly covering all the possible aspects of this event that he could. He talked about the previous problems of the two men as a couple. Not very well known is the fact that they used to date in high school. He talked about why Senator Kerry ran against Bush at all. The break-up of the two high school mates had not been too friendly. Young Bush had run away with another boy and now Kerry thought it was good time for payback. He wanted to show Bush that he had done wrong when running away with Arnie. Arnie might be big and strong, with muscles and everything, but he was the one with sweet feelings, red handbag and cup full of brain. Forty years later, after having spent lots of years with his wife, Kerry decided to get back together with Bush and he thought the best way to do it is to prove that he can play the man's role as well, and even better than Arnie.

However, as it turned out, Bush really did want to become the president. He didn't run for office just to show off as Kerry had thought at first. That's the moment when things caught fire. If you watched the three presidential debates then you know exactly what I am talking about. Bush explained what kind of a great man he is and Kerry tried to prove that he's more of a man than Bush. And so the debates went on. Kerry was always a bit better.

On Election Day the unofficial votes showed that Kerry might win. This came as a shock to 'Boy George.' He didn't know what to do and he decided to talk to his advisers. They had always given him good advice during his first term, as they did now. They suggested that they torture Kerry until he securely transferred some of his votes to Bush.

However, Kerry didn't break. They pinched him, they called him bad names, they made him listen to Backstreet Boys, but nothing - nothing - happened. No results whatsoever. Kerry really was a better man than Arnie, and Bush finally understood. George realized that many long-long years ago he had made a terrible mistake. He had chosen a wrong man who had left him just two months after the beginning of their relationship because of Bush's small dick. That's when Bush got stuck with Laura. Now Bush hugged Kerry and apologized. They pledged that they would not leave each other ever again. Kerry made the vote-transfer, said publicly that he doesn't have any objections against the voting results, and Bush won the election. Everyone was happy.

That's how the story goes. Harry Twohooter won the best journalist of the year prize and America was again richer by one good political story. Still, you and me, we both know that this story isn't true - it's just the imagination of Harry Twohooter. How can the American public not see that? How did the editorial board of Washington Post fall for it? Why did Bush not say anything to refute these accusations? Why didn't Kerry say "For God's sake, I'm NOT GAY! "? I asked Harry and after hearing his answers – he really is one of the best investigative journalists out there.

The American public likes to read good shit. As long as it's well written, interesting to read and includes some celebrity gossip, they are ready to believe it. They like good stories. They are afraid that if they start complaining about the validity of every story making the headlines, there soon would be nothing interesting to read. Editorial boards are only on for the money and that's one story that really sells papers. Bush didn't say anything because he really had changed the voting results (he had casted couple of votes himself). And Kerry? Well, he really is gay and he's been fond of Bush for years.

What did the international audience think about this story? According to my knowledge the article was translated into more than 40 languages! Why didn't the Amercian judicial system step in to sentence George to jail for the blackmail type of vote transfer?

The people from outside USA have always considered Bush to be quite a freak, so nothing comes as a suprise to them when talking about Bush. As for the judicial system, those members are just all sponsored by Senior George and they can't really afford to lose the extra income. That's it in a nutshell, folks!

Harry Twohooter is a man of his own kind. He's one of the best-selling journalists in the world. Now you know why.

This is Siim reporting live. Thank you for reading!